Hmmm....

I'm a bit perplexed. Now, I admit this was after I ate pink rice at Geishas, but I still find my stomach to be freakishly large for not even having finished my fifth week of pregnancy. Taking into account that this is my fourth pregnancy, and possibly twins, and I was at my lowest weight before I got knocked up.....am I the only one who thinks this is odd? Anyone who has had a lot of pregnancies or a twin pregnancy speak up! (And no, I am not pushing it out. I'm standing up straight!)

I'm pregnant!

Normally, I would be really hesitant to say so this early.....But since I opened my big mouth and told everyone the exact day that I would know and everyone is asking, I figure I should probably share the good news. We jumped over the biggest hurdle, but there are still a lot ahead of me.

But so far we are excited enough to dance in the middle of the drugstore when we saw the results. :o)

Embryos #15 and 6

Introducing the newest additions/embryos to our family:



These little guys were implanted on Saturday. We sure hope they "stick" around. (Ha ha - I kill myself!) I'll find out on Monday if it worked, but I hope they say yes because (1) obviously I desperately want more kids and (2) my pants suddenly don't fit and my belly is protruding. I'm hoping they tell me its because I'm pregnant, not because I've been eating too many Robin's Eggs.

It's about a 50% chance that it worked. And about a 20-40% chance that it's twins. I'm just hoping for a healthy baby! If I get two for the price of one, it's icing on the cake....

Families are Forever.

That's a beautiful thing.

Maddie helping her mama get pregnant

Please don't make me discuss how weird that title is. I have spent more days of 2011 in Virginia than at my own home in Las Vegas. It's a good thing that I'm a natural traveller because those cross country flights every couple days and those lonely hotel nights with Direct TV are enough to make a person insane. So this last week I brought my little buddy with me. I'm hoping that all the absences don't make her have to repeat her kindergarten year again.


Using Starbursts as Playdoh on the loooooong flight.

The three hour time change makes the early morning doctor appointments painful.

Luckily we have cousins to play with just a few hours away!

Life's Lessons

Maddie: Why don't you eat your shrimp tails?
Me: You aren't supposed to eat the tails. They are super crispy.
Maddie: But you eat puppy tails.
Me: When have I ever eaten a puppy's tail?!?!?
Maddie: That's what a hot dog is. Mia told me all about it at school.

Big Sister and Wee Lassie

I have read many books and articles about the importance of having mentors in a child's life. Having someone who looks a child in the eye and listens to them and tells them how smart and special and amazing they are. I was lucky that I had many of those people in my life growing up. Inspired, I joined Big Brother Big Sister Las Vegas, and I am the proud big sister of my little sister, Zorionna. I met her for the first time yesterday, and she seems very fun and has gorgeous eyes. We did math homework together and then painted each others' nails. I hope that we can both learn from each other and that we will have a life long friendship.

Maddie has been learning all about Scotland for the last month in school. Every day she would come home and teach me about golf and Nessie and Edinburgh. Today was her big Scottish presentation where she got to be the lovely Vannah White and ask "Would you like to match the English words with the Scottish words?" (She practiced her line all morning on the way to school.) She is a smart wee lassie.

More complicated than perfume and a lacy bra

Apparently getting me pregnant is nearly impossible. (At least with a healthy baby.) I'm in Virginia, yet again, attempting to start the pregnancy process, yet again. And yet again, there is a complication.

Apparently, my normally normal hormone levels are all out of whack from my experience LAST time I was in Virginia. So now I will have to start all over again with the injections and hormones and the transfer date gets pushed back. Yet again. Lovely.

If you think my blog is getting a little repetitive, I completely agree. If you think it's obsessive about getting pregnant, I completely agree. And I hate it. But my natural tendency to sit back and be chill about the whole thing is why it hasn't happened in the last six years. So now I am reluctantly obsessed. I hate oxymorons.

Another notch in my bedpost. Lucky # 8?

My 8th attempt at pregnancy is on the calendar for next month. While most of you guys get to do that the fun way (as my blog title infers), I get to do it the much less fun way of in vitro. I HATE that I have to be so controlled by the process. Why can't it just come easily? I hate in vitro and I hate being pregnant and it sucks. But I love having cute little people in my family. So I can complain all I want (as Josh knows very well), but I still have to do it.

The timing couldn't be worse though. I am finally at my ideal weight for the first time after Maddie's pregnancy seven years ago. I had been working hard with diet and working a little less hard at the gym. (Let's just say I will never run a marathon or be a body builder. A little too lazy for that.) But those last five pounds weren't going anywhere. But being sick in the hospital and not being able to eat anything for two weeks is apparently the only way for me to lose those persistent last five pounds. A very effective weight loss diet that I would NOT recommend. Well, it was nice while it lasted.

I highly recommend the "Angry Edamame" at Kona Grille (Charleston and Rampart). So spicy, it is guaranteed that your husband's cell phone can also have an awesome picture of your face doing the same thing.

You are my sunshine.

Does everyone have such a little burst of sunshine in their life, like I do?

I get to start every day with this smile.

And help her do her homework every night, even with her new HUGE pencil.

And try to calm her down when she gets anxiety on the phone.

And take her to movies and watch her literally inhale popcorn.

I am far from a perfect mother, but I doubt any other mother has more love and gratitude for their kid than I do. (MAYBE a tie, but definitely not more!)

Evan's 8th Birthday

Poor Maddie. She has a very, very weird family and I don't think she has any idea. She made this birthday card for Evan's 8th birthday last month and INSISTED on having a birthday party for him. She never met Evan but wrote on his card "you are the best brother in the world," and then drew his family, which included Charlie (he is the hamster looking thing) AND a baby in my arms even though I am not pregnant and it isn't necessarily guaranteed that I ever will be. She definitely clings to her brothers even though she didn't ever meet Evan and only got a chance to hold Charlie a few times.

So if it's that important to her, then I figured I could throw a last minute cousin birthday party at Chuck's. And happy 8th birthday to my first born son.

Our Family Photos Taught Me Some Things:

- I can sleep at night. The one thing that I worry most about is just fine. I'm pretty sure Maddie feels completely loved by her parents.

- I am not as skinny as I'd like to be, but not as fat as I sometimes feel.

- I definitely have crows feet. I still like them at age 29, but I imagine not liking them as much at 39.

- Maddie looks more like her dad then people might think. They assume she looks like me with my brown eyes, but I see a lot of her dad in her.

- My favorite couples picture is the one of us looking at Maddie doing something off set. Being parents together has made us softer and more loving than we would have been otherwise.

- Maddie saw a picture of a family with six kids doing a pyramid and was sad that she had no brothers or sisters to do a pyramid with. Her old parents' knees were just barely able to pull of the picture - just to make her smile!

Little Miss Madeline

I wanted a photo shoot of Maddie Stinker Pants at this exact wonderful age so that I can remember everything that she is at 6.

Obsessed with piano
Cutest thing in the world
Just starting to get a little sass
Favorite doll
Favorite book - loves to read and do homework
Loves being an artist
Favorite Outfit

Picked Up and Dusted Off

Somehow, Josh and I survived being in a little hotel room or hospital room pretty much alone for almost three weeks. I am SO glad I didn't marry an annoying guy. He is the world's most patient man nurse and we had "fun" watching all of the new trashy reality TV shows, eating takeout, and "learning to pilot - not play with" his new helicopter. I am happy to say that I am almost completely better. It amazes me what a woman's body can survive in the name of procreating.

The best Valentine's Day present was getting on an airplane to come home and wrap my arms tightly around my little Maddie girl. I've been home for five days now and Maddie still hasn't stopped sitting on my lap and hugging me every time we pass each other. I think the poor girl wonders when I will leave her again for 25 days straight. (Josh and I are bummed that we burned out our babysitters and took time off from work for this "vacation" instead of a three week vacation in Tahiti.)

We have been spending lots of Mommy/Maddie time since I got back, and last night we went to get our nails done for St. Patricks Day. I don't think that the nail ladies translated "clover" correctly or knew what St. Patricks Day or Ireland was, so I showed them a picture of a clover on my iPhone. Maddie now has pretty green flowers on her toes and I have Broccoli stalks on my toes. He he.

Don't believe me?

This is me in my prison....uh....I mean hotel AFTER they drained .6 gallons of liquid from my stomach. This is insane!!!! I need some help to come up with a plausible answer when someone asks me when I'm due. That's my biggest fear right now. :) Of course, I'm not really expecting to go anywhere because no clothes fit me except Josh's gym shorts. Who knew I would be needing maternity clothes?

Is this for real?

Well, I was supposed to be pregnant by now, but instead I am stuck all day in bed in my Virginia hotel trying to figure out a way to safely get back home.

Last Thursday was my egg retrieval for my in vitro process. I had been in Virginia for two weeks and was getting more and more uncomfortable as my ovaries got bigger and bigger, and I was just plain sick of the constant shots and blood draws. I was looking forward to having the egg retrieval over with because my little Maddie girl was on her way to see me after two weeks of being apart.

But when I woke up from the egg retrieval, something didn't feel right. I was really in pain and really swollen. They did another ultrasound and said everything looked fine, gave me a Tylenol, and I was out the door. We drove from Virginia to Baltimore to check into a hotel and wait for Maddie and my mom to arrive at the airport. But some time during that hour drive I passed out. Josh woke me up when we got to our hotel and I was bawling because my stomach was hurting so bad and I literally could not breathe. He tried to help me to our hotel room but I couldn't make it. I threw up in the bushes and he got me back in the car and drove me to the nearest hospital. Luckily, it was one of the top hospitals in the country, Johns Hopkins.

Great doctors, but a crappy emergency room. There was no where for Josh to park, so he parked on the curb and helped me in the door as a security guard screamed at him to move his car. He sat me down and turned around to go move the car. Some lady was in my face asking me questions, "What is your name? Why are you here? Where do you hurt?" I couldn't move or talk and just said, "I'm going to faint." She disappeared as the entire room started spinning. I have no idea how long I was out, but I woke up half on the chair and half on the floor. The lady was in my face again asking the same questions. I said, "I'm going to throw up." She disappeared and came back just in time to hand me a little bowl. I kept throwing up and she kept asking me questions. I was thinking, "Lady! I can't freaking answer you! I'm dying! I hurt! I hate you!" But I literally had no strength to answer. They wheeled me to a bed in a room full of other interesting people (one whom was handcuffed to the stretcher with two armed police officers sitting next to him). Some med student was in my face yelling, "Tell me what's wrong or I won't know how to help you with the pain." I took a deep breath and with every ounce of strength I had left I responded in a quiet voice...."I am doing in vitro in Virginia, I had an egg retrieval this morning, my stomach and lungs and right shoulder hurt intensely, I can't breathe....." And then I barfed again. They immediately got me into an ultrasound which was so painful that I was screaming and my face was covered in tears.

To make an already long story short....turns out that my ovary hemorrhaged and I had internal bleeding. You hear that term on shows like Greys Anatomy all the time, but what they don't tell you is that it is life threatening and intensely painful. The blood had spread up through my lungs and into my shoulder. It was BAD. I was sure I was going to die.

So for the next four days I had painful ultrasounds, CT scans, and blood draws every four hours. I couldn't move or breathe at first. I realized that I might actually be getting better when on the fourth day I yelled at my nurse not to come near me and that I wasn't going to give any more blood samples. (If you could see my arms right now, you would see bruises everywhere. The nurses got to a point where they couldn't find a vein for a new IV because they had all collapsed or were covered in scar tissue and bruises.) I think my nurse took me serious because she stayed away from me for the rest of her shift. It's amazing how constant pain, and being in a hospital in a foreign place, and tortuous needles, and not getting sleep or showers for four days straight, and not being able to breathe, and not getting to see my daughter because of the hospital's "no guests under 12" rule, can turn an otherwise nice person into a nurse battering animal. I seriously got to a point where I would have told them where Bin Laden was hiding if they had asked me.

And I also got the lucky news that I have severe ovarian hyperstimulation on top of it. Apparently I just have to wait for my body to reabsorb the fluid in my stomach and for my ovaries' swelling to calm back down. Right now, they are each 10 centimeters big, and I have about a gallon of fluid in my stomach, which explains why I look 8 months pregnant and have extreme nausea and dizziness.

Awesome.

I remember watching Steel Magnolias as a kid and thinking Julia Roberts' character was an idiot. Why would anyone risk their own life to have kids? Dumb. But maybe she just didn't really understand the risk? I can tell you that it never crossed my mind that I would be the lucky one to get the extremely rare size effect of internal bleeding combined with the rare risk of severe ovarian hyperstimulation. I CAN say that this will be my last time doing in vitro EVER. So one of those ten little frozen embryos that I almost died for better work. Cause I'm done.

P.S. Is anyone interested in being my surrogate? I am accepting applications.
P.P.S. I'm not telling this story for sympathy, I'm just trying to explain one time to everyone (instead of fifty) that although I did in-vitro and look very pregnant, I am not pregnant. What a weird thing to have to explain.

Walking the tight rope....and teetering toward hope.

Josh and I realized the other day that if we had a kid for every time I have been pregnant or miscarried or tried to get pregnant, our family would consist of an 8 year old (Evan), 6 year old (Maddie), 4 year old, 3 year old, 2 year old, and 1 year old (Charlie). We would have SIX children! It's no wonder that in my mind I have a large family and am always just a little surprised when people ask, "Is she your only child?" and I answer, "Yup."

So here I am again, packing my suitcase and vainly attempting to schedule flights and babysitters and rental cars and doctor appointments, to embark on my seventh attempt at adding to my family. Oh, how I hate to be pregnant. I feel like I have either been pregnant or trying to get pregnant my entire adult life! :o) My greatest struggle right now is walking the tight rope between hope and reality. Everyone seems so excited that I'm "going to have a child again," but please excuse me if I have just a hint of cynicism on my face. Five times I have been so very happy and excited and hopeful, and I have had those hopes dashed and my heart broken every time. And each time I have had to find a way to pick myself back up, dust myself off, find a way to be happy and fulfilled, and figure out who I am without that baby on my hip. So I'm walking that ever so thin tight rope between being happy, hopeful and having positive thoughts, and being realistic, strong and cautious with my heart.

Having said that, I guess Josh and I are natural optimists at heart. Because despite our past, we bought these cute little onsies for good luck and are already starting the exhausting fight over baby names.....

An animal lover

Maddie got back in party planning mode. She was having a cousin sleep over at her Grandma Karen's and insisted they needed a birthday party for their dog Max. Happy birthday Max!

We spent MLK Day with our family at an exotic animal petting zoo. There were all kinds of amazing things to see. Some of my favorite:

A massive camel

A tiny baby kangaroo

A slightly evil, pick-pocketing monkey

A boa constricter

I also got to go shooting with some of the Tingey men. Here is my grandpa showing us how it is done. I got to shoot my great grandpa's rifle that left a bruise on my shoulder. It was awesome.