Walking the tight rope....and teetering toward hope.

Josh and I realized the other day that if we had a kid for every time I have been pregnant or miscarried or tried to get pregnant, our family would consist of an 8 year old (Evan), 6 year old (Maddie), 4 year old, 3 year old, 2 year old, and 1 year old (Charlie). We would have SIX children! It's no wonder that in my mind I have a large family and am always just a little surprised when people ask, "Is she your only child?" and I answer, "Yup."

So here I am again, packing my suitcase and vainly attempting to schedule flights and babysitters and rental cars and doctor appointments, to embark on my seventh attempt at adding to my family. Oh, how I hate to be pregnant. I feel like I have either been pregnant or trying to get pregnant my entire adult life! :o) My greatest struggle right now is walking the tight rope between hope and reality. Everyone seems so excited that I'm "going to have a child again," but please excuse me if I have just a hint of cynicism on my face. Five times I have been so very happy and excited and hopeful, and I have had those hopes dashed and my heart broken every time. And each time I have had to find a way to pick myself back up, dust myself off, find a way to be happy and fulfilled, and figure out who I am without that baby on my hip. So I'm walking that ever so thin tight rope between being happy, hopeful and having positive thoughts, and being realistic, strong and cautious with my heart.

Having said that, I guess Josh and I are natural optimists at heart. Because despite our past, we bought these cute little onsies for good luck and are already starting the exhausting fight over baby names.....

An animal lover

Maddie got back in party planning mode. She was having a cousin sleep over at her Grandma Karen's and insisted they needed a birthday party for their dog Max. Happy birthday Max!

We spent MLK Day with our family at an exotic animal petting zoo. There were all kinds of amazing things to see. Some of my favorite:

A massive camel

A tiny baby kangaroo

A slightly evil, pick-pocketing monkey

A boa constricter

I also got to go shooting with some of the Tingey men. Here is my grandpa showing us how it is done. I got to shoot my great grandpa's rifle that left a bruise on my shoulder. It was awesome.

I Have A Dream

Maddie learned about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. this week in school. I love that she came home from school and "taught" me all about him. This morning we listened to his entire speech "I Have a Dream" and then she drew me this picture. I thought she was too young for all of this, but she proved me wrong.

Stronger than we think we are

I got my final grades from my second year of law school. Not only am I relieved, but I'm also surprised. You have to understand that when I was watching Josh go through law school seven years ago, I saw how hard it was and how hard he worked. I used to tell him how proud I was of him and that there was no way I could do what he was doing. And all last year, I had reoccurring thoughts that there was just no way that I would even be able to finish my second year, let alone do well. It was hard and I was behind and I was tired and I couldn't make sense of constitutional law.

Then I got my grades and I am on the Dean's list and top ten percent of my class, and my essays were returned with comments like "This essay was a pleasure to grade....." (I'm not saying this to brag, because, to be honest, I never received a comment even remotely like that on a constitutional law essay.) However, I AM saying this to maybe inspire someone else out there to try something new. Try something that seems incredibly hard. Because you are stronger than you think you are.

And that is my "after-school-special" message for the day.

P.S. Thanks mom, for teaching me how to be confident, and wake up cheerful and optimistic every morning. And thanks dad, for teaching me how to be efficient, thorough, and work incredibly hard.

Before I get pregnant and fall off the face of the earth...

Most importantly, Happy New Year from the Madster.

My poor, poor daughter thinks I am some kind of amazing chef. She actually openly brags about my macaroni and cheese. Not my own special secret recipe. Nope. Just Kraft. This makes me very sad, so I have made a resolution to start learning how to do things in the kitchen, and to actually enjoy it. So....I have ever so slowly started to improve in that unknown, and frightening realm. But I will still make my most famous dish at Maddie's request.

Maddie went to a Rebel game with Josh and wasn't even fazed by the height difference here.

Christmas is special for many reasons. But one of my favorite things about it is watching Josh struggle....I mean.....build Maddie's Christmas presents. Let's just make this little analogy: Rachel is to spatula as Josh is to screwdriver. He he.

When we are at the beach, I am freakishly more active and outdoorsy than I am at home. I believe it is directly related to the weather. I had to take this picture of Maddie and her dad because they are just so darn cute.

When Vegas freezes over...

This is my normal view. Kinda pretty.

This was my foggy view from a few weeks ago. Kinda creepy.

This is my snowy view this morning. Makes me think the end of the world is nigh. Just want to say love ya, it was nice knowing ya, see ya on the other side.