A Mother's Heart

My cute nephew B, getting love from me and his Mama. He was born a month before Charlie, so he will be extra spoiled and loved by his Aunt Rachel, while a little part of me will always feel a very deep sadness while watching him grow up. I have a lovely sister who lets me love on this little boy as much as I want to. Unfortunately for B, he is too young to tell me that a little less love wouldn't be so bad. :o)

The other day, Maddie was playing with her Barbies all alone in a very quiet and empty house. I suddenly heard her sweet little voice say, "I just wish I had a brother or sister to play with me so I wouldn't have to play all alone." I had to close the door to hide my sobbing. After ten minutes I put on a happy face and went out and said, "I'll play Barbies with you Maddie! Do you understand that Daddy and I want a brother or sister for you too, and that we have been trying for a very long time?" She innocently replied, "Well maybe if you eat healthier food next time you are pregnant you will have a healthy baby." I said that I had to go to the bathroom and would be right back. I went back in the bathroom and cried a good cry.

My heart is still very tender. It doesn't matter how long you have a child. I only had Evan for five weeks and Charlie for almost three. A mother loves her children equally, and my heart is 2/3 sadness and longing and emptiness from my boys, and 1/3 full of happiness and beauty and sweetness from Maddie. I have figured out a way to keep living and enjoy life, but that doesn't mean the sadness is not still there.

But I picked myself back up, wiped my tears, and went and played Barbies with gusto until bedtime. And a little while later, when Maddie had the chance to go to Utah with her cousins, I jumped on it. Because when there are no siblings around, cousins are the next best thing.....