Here's Hoping.....

Well.....I'm a month away. Yup, I actually made it this far.

A year ago, you couldn't have convinced me that this was going to happen. And to tell you the truth, I'm still not 100% convinced. Josh and I made a decision a few years ago to be as normal as possible. We thought we were doing quite well for a couple who has been through what we have been through, but moments like this make us realize that maybe we are still a little bit weird. Or maybe not. Maybe our reality is just so different from everyone else's?

All I know is that there is still a part of me that worries that I will have to pack up a perfectly new, unused nursery yet again. And a part of me is relieved that there is still an empty spot next to Evan and Charlie's resting spot "just in case" we need it. And a part of me is figuring out where we would move and what my career goals will be if suddenly we don't have to make a space for a little guy in our life. This probably seems completely crazy to everyone else. But to me, I have done these things numerous times. It's not that crazy when it's been my reality for years and years.

I know, I know. I'm almost there. I need to chill out. Positive thoughts. Believe me, I get it. 99% of me is very logical and hopeful, but that 1% is still incredibly uncertain and cynical. You would think that I would shut off my emotions and not get too attached, just to protect my sad little momma heart. But the truth is that I'm not like that. I am already in love with this little guy who beats and kicks me all day and all night. I fantasize about dressing him up in all these onsies that I bought (despite my uncertainties) and changing his diapers. And giving him baths and feeding him in the middle of the night. I look forward to having a little one in the house again and bringing joy and craziness to my family. I am very hopeful that I get to have that experience. I really, really want to keep this one.

Here's hoping......