Neither expressed or implied

It's no secret that I hate being pregnant. Josh had to really, really beg and plead for me to do this again. When he was cleaning out his drawers the other day, he found the pregnancy contract that I wrote up for him to sign a long time ago. I wrote it while I was studying contracts in law school. Oh man, it made me laugh. The good thing is that he is actually doing all of these except the nightly foot massages. (WHICH I NEED JOSH! Get to it!) Here are a few of my favorite demands.....uh.....I mean conditions that are on there:

Rachel Harris (hereafter referred to as “I”) promises to Joshua Harris (hereafter referred to as “you”), the following:

·      I will birth one more baby. (The hair color, eye color, mental or health condition, gender, or mortal outcome of said baby is irrelevant.)

Under the following conditions:

·      I get pregnant when I say I’m ready. Absolutely no pressure, expressed or implied.

·      Absolutely nothing is expected of me during the pregnancy (such as showers, doing my hair, getting dressed, getting out of bed, travelling, going to church, getting the mail, being nice, etc.). If I choose to do any of these activities, I am to be showered with praise and accomplishment.

·      When I want to be able to sleep in, accomodations will be met. For example, at any time in the pregnancy that I ask, you have to use the bathroom downstairs so I can sleep in as late as I want. This could also require you to do Maddie’s hair, which means you need to practice parting, braiding, pony tailing, etc.

·      If what I am craving doesn’t deliver (such as Golden Spoon), than you will go and pick it up and deliver it to me on demand.

·      There is no mention that I am irrational, hormonal, unbalanced, or crazy while pregnant. You hold my hand and tell me I am amazing regardless of how irrational, hormonal, unbalanced, or crazy I am.

·      I will receive nightly foot massages, done out of love, from you.

·      All pillows in the house are my territory, and if you are allowed any for use at night, it is from my good graces.

·      During and after the pregnancy, you tell me I am beautiful and that you appreciate the physical sacrifice I make for your beautiful babies. You never mention or act like new stretch marks, pimples, breakouts and/or rashes, rolls, or any other nasty thing that occurs, exists.

·      You accept that the horrible process of pregnancy affects and includes different stages of sexual desire for about a year. There will be complete understanding of this issue and there will be absolutely no pressure or comments, expressed or implied, regarding this issue.

·      There is no mention, expressed or implied, from you, ever again, of me getting pregnant. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

·      Additional conditions, regardless of how much they seem like they are from a hormonal, irrational, pregnant wife, can be added at any time, during the pregnancy.