Gratitude AND Faith, with String Cheese and TiVo

So....Josh and I went in to our doctor last Friday. We were so excited to see that there were two little guys growing in utero. But the nurse was quiet, and when we looked a little harder, be both knew immediately. There were no heartbeats. BAM! Our hearts were broken. Our hope was dashed. We squeezed each others hands and just looked at each other silently with tears in our eyes. Not a total surprise, but still a bit of a shock. On Wednesday I had to go in for a D&C, which is not a pleasant experience.

I HATE sharing my feelings on this blog. I am so very private. My feelings are personal and real and sacred to me. But I have to tell people that I am no longer pregnant. "Luckily" I have had many years of experience of being in awkward conversations, and it has once again come in handy when just in the last week I have had to explain that I am no longer pregnant when people come up and say, "Congratulations! I heard! You must be so excited!"

The part that I hate is when people respond. "I'm so sorry." "Well, you're still young." "You are such a strong woman." These are kind and sincere and hopeful comments, but I just never want to hear these said to me again. 9 years of working so hard to have children and two incredibly sad losses and rough pregnancies and miserable in vitro tries and multiple miscarriages have left me exhausted. I just want to sit in my house and eat string cheese and watch The West Wing on DVD and catch up on TiVoed Oprah episodes. I don't want to explain it to anyone or have to smooth it over when they don't know what to say. Therefore I disabled the "Comments" on this blog post to spare my friends the question of what or if you leave a comment now that I am bashing your good intentions! :o)

Speaking of watching Oprah episodes, I was watching Friday's show that had a mother who lost four children to a disease very similar to my boys'. She summed up very much what I have come to feel, after many years of understanding:

"There are times that I feel the weight of an empty lap and empty arms from burying children, but I don't get stuck in that. I'm not a woman to be pitied. I thank God every morning when I wake up that I have another day. And I know there will be burdens balanced in with the blessings throughout the day, but that's okay. I'll balance them." - Jeni Stepanek

And I also keep this quote on my computer, from Elizabeth Lesser's book "Broken Open." I like it:

"The only thing we can really ask for when we pray is the ability to trust in the greater purpose. We pray to have our hearts opened and our purpose revealed. We pray for gratitude when our life is good and for faith when it is not so good." I have come to understand that I can feel gratitude for the good parts AND faith for the hard parts at the same time. And I feel lucky to be at that point in my life.

Strawberries, turtles, aliens, and pinecones

We were given a new pet. Meet "Fluffy" the turtle.



We moved. Again. But let me just preface that with us knowing that the high rise was a temporary thing until we could find THE house. Well, we found it. We decided that "If we build it, they will come." So we bought a house with a backyard and a blue room and soon after found out that we will be having a son and possibly two sons. Yup. Maddie and Josh found that the backyard is perfect for pinecone baseball, and we hope our son (sons?) think so too.



Maddie was proud to be a strawberry in her kindergarten play, "A Very Hungry Caterpillar."



And we spent Mother's Day weekend in Sedona, Arizona with Josh's family. Man alive! Who knew that it could be so breathtakingly beautiful in the middle of a desert? I highly recommend this destination.



And there are some who believe that there are more UFO sightings in Sedona. Well, we were even able to catch a picture with one!

Easter with Cousins

I've talked before about the guilt I feel that Maddie is an "only child." Luckily my siblings are kind enough to let my family join them for holidays and events so that Maddie has other kids to "be a kid" with.








And her most special cousin is her "sister cousin." I sometimes really wonder if they are twins that were accidentally born to different mothers at different times. Maddie adores her.

I can do anything...(that's everything!)...all on my own.

That is my favorite "Charlie and Lola" episode. Maddie watched it when she was three and has said that to me pretty much every day ever since. When I was stuck in Virginia getting pregnant last month, and Josh was stuck with scheduled depositions in Vegas, and Maddie had to go back to school the next day, we didn't know what to do. Until Josh had an idea. Was a cross country flight too long for a six year old to fly alone? My answer would be yes....unless that six year old is Maddie. She was determined to be brave. I packed her a backpack full of treats and drinks and toys and markers and a fully charged ipad.

She got on the flight in Washington DC with butterflies in her stomach.


While she sat on the tarmac and was up in the air I was sick to my stomach. Was she scared? Bored? Sick? Crashed?


But sure enough, she landed in Las Vegas with courage and pride. (And glasses she made on the flight, and an armful of flowers from her daddy.) She had also made new friends of everybody who sat around her.


When I found out Josh and I were having a daughter, I told Josh our number one goal as her parents needed to be to teach her self-confidence. I think this cross country flight was a great little lesson for all of us.