I'm not crazy....I'm not crazy....I'm not crazy....

I was trying to find a book to choose for the book club this month, and was recommended "What Alice Forgot," by Liane Moriarty. I read it and liked it a lot. It would have been a great choice for a book club. The only problem is that the sister of the book's main character is "crazy." At least that's what I thought the whole time I was reading the book.

She had been doing in vitro for about eight years, about 12 times or so, and was so obsessed about it that she kind of went crazy and almost kidnapped a kid without thinking about it. (Was holding a child and started to walk off with her, but got stopped by her sister.) Anyway, the whole time I was reading the book, I was like, "Lady! Give it up! Stop obsessing about it! Give yourself and your body and mind a break!" And then I read this excerpt from her journal....

"I can hear him in the next room calling Alice. I made him promise

not to tell anyone I was pregnant. I knew he would. Liar. You have

no idea of the fury I feel. Against him. His mother. My mother. Alice.

I hate you all. For no particular reason. I guess it's for the sympathy,

the pity and understanding, but most of all, for the hope. For the

comments I'm about to hear. 'This one could be the one!' 'I Have a

good feeling about this one!' Waves of red-hot fury keep rising up

inside me. I feel sick, and my breasts ache, and there is a funny taste

in my mouth, and we've been here so many times before, and I can't

go through it again. I can't. And the thing that infuriates me the most

is that even though I'm saying it and I'm believing it and I know

with all my heart that I'm going to lose this baby like all the others

I also know that underneath it all, that inanely positive, pathetic

voice is still chirping, 'But maybe....?"

I have had some of these similar thoughts. In fact, this very well could have been a journal excerpt from my last twin pregnancy miscarriage, except I wouldn't use the word "hate." :o) When people tell me "it's so exciting" I kind of roll my eyes. But having said that....I'm actually scheduled to do another cycle in February. Which means that starting mid-January, I will be shooting myself up with more shots and getting fat and having crazy hormones again. Which means I will turn into a complete cynic, who resents my own little "inanely positive, pathetic voice" of hope. And I will walk by the baby clothes aisle in Target and supress the urge to buy the shirt with the stupid monkey on it that says "my mommy loves me." Because you just never know....And even if the pregnancy test comes out positive, and even if there is actually a heartbeat in the ultrasound, and even if there is a baby that comes out of my stomach nine months later, I still have that battle of cynicism and hope. Cause it's a tightrope I have walked for nine years.

And after reading this book and having these thoughts, I realize that I am that crazy lady. How many people out there have thought the same thing about me? And wanted to tell me, "Lady! Give it up! Stop obsessing about it! Give yourself and your body and mind a break!" Well, I guess my defense is that I do the best I can. I try to spread out my pregnancy attempts so that I have time to accept it emotionally and allow my hormones to regulate and lose the extra weight and save up some more money so we don't go into debt over it. And I've tried to keep that balance of hope and realism in my pregnancy attempts. I just gave all my maternity clothes to my sister in law, because the truth of the matter is that I may not ever need them again, or if I do, it could be in a decade when none of it is still in style. And then I tell her that she can return the favor some day if I need them. And I have this blue room in my house that I didn't want to have empty or have as a nursery, because that would be "crazy lady"-ish. So I decided to use it as a toy/play room that can be used as a nursery if that ever becomes a real thing. And I'm comfortable with just having Maddie-Stinker-Pants and being her mother, and using the rest of my energy and time to do great things. And if I never have another baby, I'm seriously okay with that. But then if I do have another one, I'm sure I will fall in love with that baby, the same way I fell in love with my other ones. I have eight little frozen embryos, and as long as they are sitting there in the freezer, I have to have a little hope. Because I'm not going to leave them there indefinitely. I guess if I have to do four more attempts with those little guys, then that is what I am going to have to do.

And that is the line that I walk. Having said that, I will admit that I DID tell my sisters that if I become crazy, that they need to sit me down and tell me straight up.

Needless to say, I did not choose that book as my book choice because the last thing I need is a bunch of uncomfortable women discussing the book in my home as I'm shooting myself up with hormones, and being nervous that I might "walk off" with their baby in my arms. :o)

(P.S. I also just want to say to anyone reading this blog who is dealing with infertility or has had a loss of miscarriage or infant loss - because I know you are out there - that I'm very sorry. I know your heartbreak. But let's try to be nice anyway. Because those family and friends who are trying to be supportive are just trying to be supportive. I'd rather have people wish me luck than say nothing at all. And hang in there....)

Don't Judge Me...

1) ....For thinking that "dress Christmassy" means to wear pajamas and red and green bell jewelry. Especially when every other woman dressed glamorous and festive. These are some of the ladies in my book club. I love having friends who love reading as much as I do. One of them said she would go to the park with her girls and read a book alone on a bench while the other mothers would chat. It made me feel so "normal" for once, because that is how I feel. When I have "me time" I feel like it is wasted unless I am reading a good book.

2) ....For finding my husband incredibly sexy with a handlebar mustache. He shaved it for the rodeo, and I couldn't keep my hands off him. (Okay, I admit, that is a little weird. But I love him with facial hair!)

The Polar Express

The Harris family got in our Christmas jammies and went to the "North Pole" near Flagstaff, Arizona on the Polar Express. It was so much fun, and we definitely want to make it a yearly tradition. There is nothing more magical than singing Christmas carols, drinking hot chocolate, blinking Christmas lights everywhere, snow on the ground, and watching Maddie light up with that happy kid magic in her eye.

Holiday Spirit

Thanksgiving was at my dad's house this year. THANK GOODNESS. Because my stepmom loves to cook and is really good at it, so somehow she whipped up a huge traditional Thanksgiving meal in no time at all. I didn't have to do a dang thing. But don't worry, I helped clean up. :o)

I love how everytime I go see my dad, he feeds us. His mother (my grandmother) does the same thing. It's how they show their love, and I am trying really hard to learn how to continue that tradition too.

Maddie got her time in the snow. I hated every second of it. The cold doesn't even make her flinch.

She also got to be a cowgirl with my Aunt Lisa.

Her class did a "Career Day" where every kid chose what they wanted to be. Maddie chose a "jewelry maker" because she is an artist and she wants "to make many ladies happy." Um... okay. She was still the cutest little "jewelry maker" I have ever seen.

We got our Christmas tree, stockings, and lights up at our house! I got bit by the Christmas bug this year. (Some years, not so much....) Merry Christmas to all!!

Some forgotten pictures

I try to keep my blog updated as much as I can, so every once in a while I forget to add some pictures.

Happy Ten Year Anniversary to me and my Josh Bop. Josh knew the manager at the Eiffel Tower Restaurant at the Paris casino, and it is now on my to do list to get to know every manager at every fine restaurant in the city. Cause then you get the VIP table and treatment. Wow. It really was magical.

The Madster woke up to 100 pink and purple balloons all over her bedroom on her 7th birthday. The smile that it made on her cute little face was worth the bloody fingers I got from tying every.single.balloon. I have decided that this will NOT be a yearly tradition.

A yearly tradition that I WILL continue is a birthday dinner at Maddie's restaurant choice with her mom and dad. Where we talk about her life and her hopes and dreams. I love that her hopes and dreams still involve fairies and flying and getting shiny earrings. I wonder when this innocent little girl phase will pass? Hopefully not any time soon.

Our dear little surprise pet frog got his very own cage in the house. Somehow he is still alive. I wonder when this slimy little frog phase will pass? Hopefully sometime soon.

Maddie learning to skate at her birthday party. And me being the greeter and photographer and present holder on the side of the rink. I'm wearing my new green coat that I love. It just screams Christmas and winter.

Another awesome Clown picture because it is awesome.

Pumpkin carving

Maddie's pumpkin patch class at their Halloween play.

Happy 7th to the Madster!

So, I learned my lesson that we can't invite every single friend of Maddie's to her birthday party. (See the post from one year ago.) Apparently, that wasn't an issue when I was a kid and my only friend was the girl across the street (who actually kind of scared me into being her friend).

So this year, we only did her girlfriends from school. And it was still a big party, but a great success. She was a happy little ice skating seven year old.

From City Boy to Country Boy in Just One Day?

I love my Joshie. He is so cute, and we have a lot in common. One of which is that we are both "city" folk. We both like having a Target nearby, and good restaurants, and more than one movie theater to choose from, and paved roads. These are the luxuries of life.

But he went to San Luis Obispo to his cousin's ranch and had such a blast that he is now trying to figure out how he can move there.

Maddie had a blast too and came home with a pet frog.

Uhhhhh......Thanks Ryan and Leanne? (Said sarcastically and menacingly in regards to the pet frog.) :o)

As soon as I get over this nightmarishly long cold that seems to come for three days, leave for two days, come back for three days, etc., I will have to come visit too.

After looking at the pictures, I guess having a PF Changs and an HOA can't compete with a good group of girlfriends and a frog named "Cinnamon" for Maddie, or playing paintball in tree orchards and shooting squirrels from the back of a four wheeler for Josh. :o)

These other things:

I saw this picture of myself the other day, and I remembered that I'm actually not very cool. (I am the one in the cat sweatshirt and mom jeans on the left.) It is so awesome because I sometimes wonder how THIS:

Created THIS. Maddie is so cool and elegant and chill and did I mention gorgeous? Just comparing the two of us at the same age is hilarious. It makes me hopeful for the future of the world that so much improvement can occur in just one generation. :o)

Maddie played a Christmas song at the Halloween piano recital. I can't really complain, because the only songs I know how to play on the harp are Christmas. Apparently, the only time people want a harp is during the holiday season, so I've gotten away with it for twenty years. (Sorry mom, I will practice more SOME day.)

Josh and I took Maddie to Disneyland. Remember when I said Maddie loved the Tower of Terror? She talked about it the whole day and we caught it on our way back to the car. I KNOW she loves it and I KNOW she can be dramatic sometimes, so when she started crying and shaking and freaking out in the line, I kind of rolled my eyes. But then I got some seriously dirty looks from everyone else in line, and the ride conductor person wanted me to go to hell. But after the ride, Maddie said "it was the most awesomest and funnest ride." That's nice Maddie. You can tell that to Child Protective Services when they show up.....

Baking like it's going out of style...

As I stated earlier, being room mom kind of sucks. Now, don't get me wrong. I like baking cupcakes or volunteering in the cafeteria or helping in art class. But when you are room mom, you have to harass all the other women to do these things and then do whatever doesn't get a volunteer. So Halloween morning, I made these....

And these....

And this....

And these....

....And showed up early to set up....and stayed late to clean up. I was pooped trying to be Suzy Homemaker. Thank goodness for Pinterest or I don't think I would have been able to fake it so well. :o) But this little Cleopatra Cutie makes it all worth while.

Happy Halloween from the Harrises

Josh REALLY hated the costume that I picked out for him this year. But he was a good enough sport to put it on for three seconds while we took this picture. I was supposed to be a spider, but my costume was admittedly kind of lame. Maybe I will do better next year. It depends on how lazy I feel in early October. :o)

Maddie had a freaking blast trick or treating. Our buddies came over too, which always makes holidays more fun. Here they are being patient on our doorstep. Our neighborhood is the bomb trick or treating neighborhood. I have never had so many trick or treaters in my life. I am so glad that I bought an insane amount of candy to hand out. I had just enough for every trick or treater, and a bag of Baby Ruths left over for myself.

And then, like all OCD children across America, Maddie sorted her candy by color and then wrote a list of what candy she got. Luckily, her buddy enjoyed this activity too.